Montage

Last night I didn't sleep well. I don't even think I had one 90 minute sleep cycle, which makes getting good sleep or dream-filled sleep difficult. Little One had set Dave's alarm clock so at 12 and 12:09 it went off - loudly. I woke up when Dave got into bed. G woke up at about 2:30 to tell me that he knew how the ants got into our house and then Dave said that I was talking in my sleep and just waking up a lot.

So last night I had snippets of dreams. Pictures here and there, and this morning I'm exhausted. Last night was a waste. I had remembered those snippets this morning, but between playing with the kids and making breakfast, and just having sleep deprivation, they are elusive, fleeting, almost like they were in the dream last night.

Pain - Map Dot Fingerprint Dystrophy

OK. I am frustrated now. I had an erosion on Monday morning and blogged about pain and how doctor's have terrible bed side manner and how nobody ever should be told that they have anything that's incurable - EVER. And my blog isn't in the list. OK. I was typing with my eyes shut and probably pressed a wrong button at the end, but I ranted and raved and now it's gone and I won't ever get those thoughts back.

I don't feel like talking about how I once had inflamed tissues in my breast that scared the begeezies out of me and after my first mammogram I was told that I just had to deal with it. The pain had been so intense that it literally took my breath away. How it got worse while pregnant with G and then subsided and then came back for a small bit with Little One, but now it's almost a distant memory and how AWFUL the radiologist was and how I just wanted to smack her in the face and tell her she should never tell a patient such depressing news in such a non-chalant manner.

I don't feel like talking about how awful my ophthalmologist was at a very difficult, sleepless day when I was first diagnosed with MPFD or ABMD or RCE's or whatever you want to call them.

I don't want to talk about how the Dry Eye Zone forum is a nice place where people can commiserate or how I now have the website: http://www.dryeyezone.com/talk/.

I just don't have the energy right now to say that I was typing without looking at the screen because the pain was almost unbearable and the light of the monitor was killing me, but that at 5:00 am I couldn't fall back asleep.

I also don't want to talk about how I was afraid to go to sleep last night because the day after an erosion the likelihood of a second is greater for me.

But I will talk about how I'm going to try to see a different ophthalmologist to see what other kind of treatment options there are. Now - to get the money together for that since my insurance is almost like having no insurance at all.....

The Moon, A Potluck and a Drive-Thru

I got a speeding ticket. I had a friend help me get out of it. Unfortunately, I was speeding on the moon. My sister-in-law had also just gotten a ticket for speeding on the moon and so did one other person I knew. The person who got me out of the ticket also got my sister-in-law and friend out of their tickets.

I was getting ready to go to a potluck. I was going to bring chicken salad but this other woman said that's what she was bringing. I thought she had brought it last time so I thought it was unfair. Then I was going to make something else, but another girl had taken that first. I didn't want to be stuck with having to make the ravioli so I didn't know what I was going to make.

My boss was driving through a drive-thru. I don't remember if we were in the car together or if I was in a separate car. I had to turn around and back up and try to go out the correct lane. I didn't care as long as I made it to the exit.

Multi-Part Dream (let's see if I can remember it all)

Part One: I was going to visit someone who lived in what looked like a candy house. It was one huge house and it had a very open plan - almost like the front of the house was cutaway and all you could see was the inside. Inside of it was a humongous stereo system and a tv and not much else. Then I was driving and kept looking for I-11. I knew where I was going, but the road seemed to elude me. I had to turn around and drive the other way. Then I was eating something and I think it was part of the sky - like a bucket of mushy stars and I just took this big, gloppy spoonful.

4:00 a.m., Part Two: I saw colors - mostly blue - I think I was choosing a shirt and the shirt was by my stomach and the color turned into a stomach ache (at which time I woke up with a stomach ache)

5:30 a.m., Part Three: I thought this was real, until I woke up. I was sitting on the toilet and 1/2 my body went paralyzed, like I had a stroke. I was trying desparately to call out Dave and I finally did, at which point I woke up and realized I was still in bed. Dave didn't even stir.

Part Four: I had to save the world from total destruction. (This dream was way too involved to even remember all of what happened.) There was a party going on inside and outside. I had to try to convince everyone that the world needed to be saved from total destruction. Everyone was trying to take care of their own things. It was me and one other person. We kept losing each other and looking for each other. I went to the top level of a large building and jumped out somewhere and looked down and there was the other person, but at this point he was chasing a cat or something in a bucket and we were teaching him how to take care of himself - he was doing really good. There was an old-fashioned car with people and luggage in it. This dream was so involved, but I'm really grasping. It felt like watching an hour drama on t.v. at night with all the images there were. I just can't find the words.

University

http://afterenlightenment.blogspot.com/2008/05/gtpx-time-line-banner.html

I was in school. For some reason I kept choosing to sit in the back of the class, which is completely unlike me. I think it had to do with the fact that I had children and in case I needed to get out quickly, even though they were never in my dream. I didn't completely understand the class I was in. I was taking copious notes. The teacher went to the wall and said that what was written there was the most important part of the entire class. It was about, not intention, like Molly talks about, but potential. I couldn't understand it. Was it a poetry class? Was it an improv class? I thought it was more academic, but people kept going up to the wall and adding their interpretation of what we were discussing for that day or they spoke in front of the class or had a dialogue or modern interpretation or acted a bit. I just stayed quiet and sat in the back of the class. There was a boy who sat next to me and we didn't talk a lot. He didn't answer in class either, but he understood it. He showed me this room that was close to the class, and it became sort of a haven for us. He explained what the class was about in terms I could understsand and it was in that room that I felt safe to open up. We would put a sentence on the wall and whatever flowed from that, flowed. Some other students had found out about this room and they thought that we were "kissing up" or going in the wrong direction. They didn't understand. It wasn't meant to be seen by anyone else.

[Editor's Note: Molly, thanks for the picture - even though I didn't ask for permission to use it. It wasn't quite what was in my dream, but I know, without even googling, that it was the closest.]

Cedar Point

In my dream last night I won tickets to Cedar Point! Woohoo!

Hautbois & a Wedding

Part One: I was playing my Oboe and English Horn. I don't remember this part of the dream very well because it was extremely early on, but I was definitely playing them. I know I had this dream because I've been trying to find time to practice my horns, but it's been difficult to figure out when to do it.

Part Two: Dave, the kids and I were going to a family members wedding. I believe it was Amanda and Steve. We were walking through a hotel where the wedding was taking place. It was of victorian style with muted colors on the wall, blues and reds. I mentioned how pretty it was and Steve walked up beside me and said that it wasn't what he wanted, it was not fancy enough, but it would have to do because it's what they could afford. We went into the rehearsal dinner and we were all sitting at a long table. The waitress made a funny remark about how she's going to put my lovingly made vegetarian meal down and instead she put a hamburger about the size of a small platter in front of me. It was all grotesque looking and not shaped very well. I was waiting for someone to say it was a joke, but then the dream shifted. My kids were wanting to play. Cassie came with her kids and G and Little One were all excited to see them. They all ran off playing.

Note: I just realized that this is two dreams in a row that had hotel in it. "Hotel
All dwelling places generally represent the dreamer's psychological, emotional, or spiritual condition. The dream may reflect a current reality, issue, or dilemma and attempt to bring the dreamer into greater self-awareness. Because a hotel is a transitory dwelling, it suggests a time away from one's responsibilities or routine. As a dream symbol it could reflect a need for rest and reflection. Depending on the details of the dream, specific information can be ascertained. For example, if the hotel is luxurious it suggests prosperity and positive decision-making. However, if the hotel is rundown and inadequate, it may reflect a time of uneasiness and depravation. Whether the hotel in your dream represented a retreat or escapism is for you to determine by examining your current daily reality. Finally, a hotel may refer to a temporary stage in life or be a form of compensation with which the dreamer eases the anxiety and stress experienced during the day."

Very enlightening - I think mine is the uneasiness and depravation bit unfortunately.

Elephants on Parade

There was an underground world. You had to run to it and find the right house to go down. I followed one person down a house and there were the elephants that I was looking for.
Then, there was a circus in training, but instead of just doing the trapeze, the person on the trapeze had to train themselves to look at a certain color on the screen. There was a red line and a blue line and they had to aim for the blue line. It was a little counterintuitive, but that's the way it was.
Then I went into a shop and I was setting up some advertising for the store. I created a t-shirt with the advertising. It was a dance store, but I was also advertising all of the accessories that they had.
Then I was sitting in a cafe and I was listening to ipod songs on my phone until I realized that it was a Monday and it was eating into my minutes.

Untreatable Disease - Map Dot Fingerprint Dystrophy

I type this with my eyes shut because the light of the screen is nearly unbearable, so please forgive any typoas.....

The first time I was diagnosed with something that was "untreatable" I was furious. I was having pain in my breast. It was intermittent, but it literally would take my breath away it could be so severe. I remember waiting for the radiologist after my very first mammogram when she said it was just a muscle inflamation and there was ntohing they could do. I remember being furious with the fact that she told me I just had to deal with that amount of pain and, basically, just deal. No way was there NOTHING that they could do. No way. The pain has since gone. Maybe that's one thing I could thank my kis for. I had it all through my first pregnancy, and then it kind of went away. Small flare ups through my second, but almost nothing since. I mean, at least it wasn't cancer, but to tell me I'm could have pain the rest of my life. You could say the doc. had an incredibly awful bedside manner.

Then I read up on Map Dot Fingerprint Dystrphy, or ABMD, or RCE's or whatever you want to call it, and it says the same thing that my, let's see if I can spell this right, ophthlamologist says. It might go away on its own, but there's no "cure". Ever since finding the "Dry Eye Zone" forum, at least I get to talk to a few more people about it. (I will put in a link here as soon as I an see better.) Don't tell me there's no cure. I don't want to hear it.

Don't tell ANYONE there's no cure for ANYTHING. It's just cruel.

Old Friends and a Hotel

I was riding my bicycle at night. It was dark and damp out. I was going to pull into my apartment (it kind of looked like the where I was living in Hollywood) but a bum was chasing me (who happened to be LL Cool J). So I kept going and rode down some stairs. Then I was in a hotel room. There were about 2 families there and they all had young kids. My old neighbor was there and she had just had her daughter, the one who I babysat when she was five, but in my dream the neighbor thought I was already her babysitter. I told her I wasn't her babysitter until the baby was older and that I started as her mother's helper, like I was only 9 in the dream even though I wasn't. The baby was hungry and she was laying on the bed. There was a 2 year old there and the baby started sucking on his nose. Then the 2 year old had to go to the bathroom so he got his little potty out real quick but ended up peeing all over the place - he was being obstinant. None of the adults were doing anything to help out. Then I was in another hotel and I was trying to get to my room or out of my room, I can't remember which. I wasn't allowed to take the elevator. I think I worked there, but I was being let go or I quit, I can't remember which. This part of the dream is fuzzy since I woke up.

National Monument

We were at a national monument somewhere in D.C. There was a national treasure that no one else could see but me and someone else could see it with special equipment. We were trying to save the monument, but no one believed it was there. We pealed off a layer of a painting to get to the painting underneath it to save that. It was almost a tunnel-like place that we were at, but it was definitely a national treasure. There was a monument of someone's face there - someone who invented things - his name eludes me now.

A Cooking Show

I was helping a host of a cooking show, showing him around the town, etc. I was watching him film. We spent a lot of time together. He had to manage the people who were eating the food of the show, but he was in charge of everything. I became "twiderpated". He was so cute, with blond hair and a little goatee. He had the softest hands I'd ever felt. We had started to kiss, but then he mentioned that he was abstinate. I said, "so, let's make out." We started dating and formed a deep connection.

My grandparents

My grandparents were in my dream last night. Specifically, my grandmother and my Zayde. I was putting together books where you could see them. I don't know if I was trying to put them out of my head or if watching a video of my Dad yesterday effected this and my Grandma was trying to tell me it was ok, or if it had to do with the discussion yesterday of G-d and this is G-d saying, hey, I'm here, no matter what those people said..... Either way, it was nice seeing my grandparents last night.

A Chance Meeting

I was at my son's school. There was another father there who had a very odd looking beard, almost like it didn't really fit his face. He drove me to a convenient store and ended up following me in, which I didn't expect. I met Molly there, but she had to go to the hospital because she was having a baby and she said that this was really it. I needed to get to the hospital too. The man drove me there. I remember driving down the street and recognizing everything. We passed one hospital to go to a different one. We made it to the hospital and went up an elevator. Molly was in with a nurse already so I was waiting. Then the man came really close to me, like he wanted to kiss me. He kept asking me questions, like if I had children - which was a strange question since our kids were in school together. He had kids the same age as mine. I felt uncomfortable because I was married and didn't want to fool around with him. He said that he was an actor, and when you picture him without his beard, he was an A-list celebrity who was in a lot of movies. Then, all of a sudden, everyone had octopus-heads, and they were all gross and slimy and disjointed, almost like they were bleeding. They were octopus head and arms, but we still walked around on our feet.

The Unfortunate Realties

Jail

There was a jail. It was for kids. Someone I know was in the jail. There was a breakout and a big whole in the jail wall. Someone got a car, but the person I knew was trying to do the right thing and keep the car from hurting someone and the kids from escaping. The car slammed into a wall but the guards thought the person I knew was in the wrong and not the kid who actually stole the car during the breakout.

There was also a long winding road with someone driving and making lots of crazy turns.

[The dream seemed to keep replaying over and over at the same points.]

International Affairs

There were soldiers dancing. The one was in the wrong place, he had switched side, but I was told that there should not be triangulation, that the one should be here and the other should be there and that, if it got mixed up, it would be understood and that it was all confusing. Two members of my Temple were there, Deena and Debbie, who had just lost someone. I was trying to comfort them, but because of Debbie's illness, she had to eat through a machine. I asked if I could be of any help. I had to make a report to JB. When asked if it was done, he replied "I can question" if I want to. [Note: I wrote this at 3:30 a.m. so I don't understand all of it, even though it's giving me some images back. And, in reality, Debbie and Deena did just lose someone very recently.]

I was with a group of people and we weren't fitting in. We were in a room and there was a bunch of people there, most of whom I hadn't known before. There was one man there who looked disheveled and he had a lot of acne. He had taken me off to the side to talk to me and he started feeling me up, but with my permission. At first I didn't want him to, but then I had given in and started kissing his neck. There was some dancing going on in the room. There was a meeting taking place. We had to go back to the States and it was a dangerous mission. We were walking in a line and we were pulling a very large whitish creature in a wagon. We all met up in a coffee shop. We were sitting at about 3 small tables all pushed together and there were only 2 of us there, but there were plates for about 6 of us. It turned out the man before had been a woman, but you couldn't tell by looking at her. People kept coming and going.

Bugs, Yuck!!

I don't remember the first part of the dream, but...I was trying to kill bugs that were in the room. Someone else was in there with me, but it was my responsibility. There was a white milipede, there were three huge spiders (although I had only seen the middle one at first, and then I saw the other two), there was a rat (not huge, but still...) YUCK!!!

(Note: Maybe I had this dream because of the dead spider sitting in the corner of the bathroom at work sitting right by the door that you couldn't avoid. Maybe I had it because it's getting close to ant season and I dread ant season - both because of the ants and because of Dave making fun of my little ant issue. Let's see what the dream dictionary has to say about this....

From DreamMoods.com: (Bug To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. " Hmmmmm........)

Elusive Dream

My mom was in my dream. We kept climbing walls. Each time we climbed a wall, we'd be naked, even though we wouldn't look at each other. After we had climbed to the top, our clothes would just be back on. We were going to these events and we kept driving around strangers. They would just appear. It's was the norm. It wasn't called RideShare, but it was something of that nature. It was a way for people to save on gas, etc., and we were one of the designated drivers. You never knew who would be in the back of your car.

Note: Maybe this dream is about how similar my mom and I are. How much of an idiot I can feel like and how all I really want in life (no matter how much I make them cry) is for my kids to love me. I just get the sense that it's about motherhood.

Surrounded by People

I was at a function, some kind of group and we were meeting in the woods and staying in cabins. It was an extended stay. Four people, one of which was Fran Z. from Temple were willingly turned into vapors, for back of a better word. They just disappeared from the world, never to return again. I couldn't believe that they would allow this to happen to themselves and that everyone stood by watching it happen. I had refused to go to a meeting that everyone was supposed to attend. I felt rebelious. I was kicked out. G was with me and I had to pack everything we owned so that we could leave. We had a lot of stuff and barely any boxes to put it in. I was walking around the cabin trying to figure out how everything is going to fit. I needed to find a suitcase. I had clothes hanging up that I wasn't going to be able to bring. I was trying to get the necessities but packing always takes more room then you think it's going to. I was told I could come back for my things, but I didn't want to have to do that. I was pacing back and forth in the cabin, trying to figure it out.

Then I was at home. People were worried about me. I don't know if I was standing from a high height, but everyone was concerned. People came in the door asking about me but then didn't necessarily see me. I wasn't at my own home and Little One was with me. I was walking in a house that I was thinking about buying and the kitchen layout wasn't working for me. There was an part of the counter that jutted out that you had to constantly walk around to get between the sink and the stove/fridge. There wasn't a lot of cabinet space. The ceilings were so high that I felt too small in the space, but the walls were yellow and I liked that. I opened one of the cabinets and there were drawers on the top of the cabinet, which I thought was odd. The couple that currently lived there had 2 kids and needed more space, which is why they were moving out. They were selling the house on their own, so everyone was home. There was a party going on. Dave and I celebrated separately, but we were both ok with that.

Hair

[Note: This is not me.]

I had a long and involved dream last night, but this is what I remember: My hair was cut short and parted to the other side. It was messy, but in a cute way.