Asleep / Awake

I have a sinus infection and yesterday I had Grover's Bad Awful Day. The only good that came out of it was, since I had left work early, I was able to get a cheaper medication to take care of my infection ($79 Avelox v. $4 Cipro). Well, it turns out that money has to now go to my speeding ticket. Well, I was in so much pain last night that I took some cough medicine to ease the pain in my throat. It was strange - I was laying there, body silent, but my brain felt like it was working overtime. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular, but my mind would just not shut off. At about 12:30 G woke up thinking that his ankles were being broken and with pain in his legs. A little Motrin did the trick, but what do you say to a little boy who is convinced that his heels are being broken except that you understand him and love him and that they aren't being broken - all the while knowing he really feels it even if it isn't happening - I gave him the validation he needed - to be heard.

A Wedding To Be

I was at my wedding shower. It was just hours before the wedding. My mom was there and she was handing out strange gifts to people. I was at a hotel and there were lots of doors and rooms to go to. The shower was very long and involved. After it was over I was walking around. I didn't want to get dressed yet. I saw some friends from Temple and most of the people there were children, school-age, not grown-ups. It felt more like a Bat Mitzvah then a wedding.

I was walking down a street and a rocket took off at a gas station. It went straight up through the air. It reminds me of an old dream I had that had travelling and a jet engine in it. The plane then came down and bounced head over tail down the street, which I was told was normal. Then there were three people, one on top of the other, walking in the street and they didn't see the hole that the jet left and they tripped. A policeman came to help get them out of the street before they were hit.

I went back to the hotel. It was just 1/2 hour before the wedding and I wasn't dressed yet and my hair and makeup wasn't done. I walked in the hotel and immediately went into a side room, which was a mistake, in hindsight, because I was lead through a maze of hallways and doors to basically come out right by where I had come into the hotel in the first place. I was trying not to see the guests because I only had a bra on top and wasn't ready, but I was looking for Dave.

Note: I tried looking for the dream where I was in a fast jet plane, but couldn't find it. Sorry.

Patchwork

Let's see if I can remember everything:

I was pregnant, again. I had to have my mouth wired shut for some medical procedure. I was walking down a dry, dusty, arid ridge and my mouth got dry. I then woke up with a really bad coughing fit. It was really bad.

Fall back asleep: I see my ex-boyfriend, Q. He consoles me about something. I'm very upset, but he makes me feel better. We almost have sex but my dream changes. I remember allowing myself to be angry with him. I think it was a combination of Q and C, though, another ex-boyfriend.

Part Three: There's a guy who lives in a penthouse. It's surrounded completely in glass windows. I think it was a movie shoot or thinking that if it was a movie shoot how scared I would be because it was so high up and looking down was very scary. We went to the first floor, one floor down from the top of the penthouse. We had to get meat out of the building - all kinds of hams and porks. It was a contest of some kind, or a race or a need for urgency, I don't know which. It was me and 3 guys and an old woman. The old woman kept slowing us down on the stairs, blocking the three guys behind her, so whenever I would see her I would take her meat from her and let the guys through.

Notes: Is this about change? Is this about letting go of the past? Is this about having a voice?

Sleepy

I have been so tired lately. I know I've been dreaming (I think the other night I dreamed about Box Tops and Campbell's Labels for Education - that they were both on the same package but people kept missing them and throwing them out) but I've been so tired. I get to work and I can fall asleep right away.

My brain feels sleepy and tired. It makes it difficult to think. I bought a puzzle book to exercise my brain a bit. I don't know if it's working because it's now the end of the work day and I'm still so sleepy and tired.

Of course, after the kids are in bed, I can't seem to fall asleep. I'm going on vacation next week - just a short trip to my brother's and I think I need it desparately. I'll miss the kids, but it will be nice to have fewer responsbilities, not that I'll have none, but 2 less people to be instantly taking care of (though I'll still have that worry in the back of my head and I'm sure my mom will be calling with questions, at least when it comes to packing G's bookbag - other than that she'll probably ignore most of what I ask her to do).

Let's hope I can remember my dream tonight - though it has been nice to listen to Little One babble in the morning. He likes to sing the tune of the alphabet, even though he doesn't get the words. G said he's singing about Daddy and that it's a nice song. I like to think it is.

Oh, last night Dave and I were talking. It was about 11:45 or so and we were making fun of, while at the same time appreciating, our kids. Little One did this cute little thing where I wanted him to sit down at the dinner table and he opposed at first. Finally he kind of sat there and thought about it (there's that word, Molly) and he cocked his head, grinned a teeny grin, and slowly sat down - as if to say "fine, I'll sit, but I don't really want to). So, as I was saying, we were talking and I glimpsed a little of the old Dave. He had a cute smile with his dimples showing and he had a light in his eyes. I think it was that light in his eyes that I fell in love with. It was nice to see him last night, if only for a bit.

Hello, Molly

What I remember now is that Dave and I were running around an office building. We were looking for one particular suite, an attorney I think, but on the way I had to get my shot. I went into the office and a nurse was there. She filled the syringe and I asked her to change arms because the left one was hurting. She gave me the shot and said that insurance didn't cover it and I had to pay a check, $80 I think. I wrote it. I don't know why I didn't try to find someone in my network as this was my third or so shot and I'd have to be getting them for a long time. Both my arms hurt.

Dinner and a Show

Dave and I were checking out of our hotel. It was pretty nice. We were deciding what restaurant to go to. There was one on a busy street shaped like a spaceship, but it was too busy and we didn't want to go there. We went to this one restaurant where there were two groups meeting: one who drove VW Bugs and the other that drove PT Cruisers. We were with the group that drove the Cruisers. You could tell, when someone walked through the door, what group they were going to sit with. The VW Bug table was bigger.

We were sitting around, eating. Dave wasn't with me at this point. I was feeling self-conscious. I kept thinking I had food or boogers on me. The guy who sat across from me did, but he just couldn't wipe them off enough. Everyone seemed friendly but a lot of peope went outside to smoke so I was relatively alone for a bit. Jeff S. was there along with some other people we knew. We had to go around the table saying our name and the names of our kids. Jeff said he had a son named James (Note: At this point in the dream I knew it was Josh that had a son named James and not Jeff - a brief, lucid moment). I needed to find Dave because we had to catch our flight. As it turns out, this was Paul McCartney's restaurant and he sat with us for a bit.

I was looking for Dave because I was getting worried we'd miss our plane. We were having such a good time at dinner. We had been visiting Canada, but it was like a Vegas Canada. Dave said he couldn't find his money and he forgot about tipping the valets and thought he'd have to gamble to get some money, but that he had found some so we could go. We walked to our car, which was parked the furthest away in the parking lot you could be - even though there were a ton of open spaces. While we were talking Dave asked why I booked such an early flight when I knew we'd have a good time and not want to leave. I didn't have an answer. Dave asked, at this point, if I could drive. We got into my Honda (not a PT Cruiser) and there were a bunch of cars parked just around us, even though we were in the furthest reaches of the parking lot. I ended up hitting a car - just tapped it - no big deal. But there were people inside so I had to get out. There were 5 girls and I made sure everyone was ok. They were looking for money but there was no damage. I talked to Dave and we offered them $200 (which I thought was a lot) and I said they could split it up and get $50 each. They said there were 5 of them and no deal so I said well, then you get nothing. Give me your information and I'll sue you. They started scrambling at this point for their pens and papers and I yelled that I was $20,000 in debt with 2 kids at home and I had nothing. I wasn't rich like they thought I was. Now, during this time a guy from another car said that I almost hit him (even though he was 5 spaces down) and there was an infant in his car and I had to pay him too.

At the end, the girls went to a video shoot and I woke up.

Near Death

Saturday night I think I came the closest to death that I have ever come. I've undergone an 8 hour surgery; have a 7 3/4 inch scar on my right arm; flown in an airplane; fell the wrong way 2 stories from a tarzan swing at a campground lake and torn the ligaments in my knee, but Saturday night I actually thought that I was going to die, on the toilet, with my pants around my ankle. My last thoughts, or so I thought at the time - please, I don't want to die, I want to see my kids grow up. I don't know what I had but I had pretty much the worst stomach ache of my life. It's about 5 p.m. and I'm lying on the couch, trying to sleep, as my kids are eating dinner. I'm in and out of sleep because I'm such a light sleeper, but I at least am resting. A bit later Dave is standing by the stairs and he says "Little One, get down the stairs, you might fall," or something like that, and the next thing I know I see him flying down the stairs and hear him wail. I run over and pick him up. I see his eye swell. I get the phone and call the doctor, telling Dave we might need to go to the ER. As I'm on the phone and holding Little One I get so nauseaus and light headed that, in the middle of him screaming and talking to the operator on the phone, I have to hand both to Dave and I run upstairs. I feel like ice is poured over me, enveloping my brain. I'm in such pain and am so cold. The feeling passes and I lie in bed. I sleep, on and off, until morning, where I am definitely starting to feel better, even though I'm not totally out of the woods. Dave knew I must be feeling bad because never, in a million years, if I didn't have to, would I have ever given up Little One for anything unless it was absolutely mandatory - unfortunately, it was.

Now, Monday, I'm definitely better - 100% better I'd say.

Boy, I love my kids. I never want to leave them - no matter how much attitude they can give or how frustrating they can be - I love them more than I love myself.